Humorous Comparison of an AK47, an AR15 and a Mosin

Written by Head of the old Headsbunker.com, also known as "Ezra Coli" on the various message boards.
There's an ever present, unending debate over which is best, ARs or AKs, raging across the internet and in gun shops every day sending bile and bitter insults spewing both ways. This debate has turned fathers against sons, best friends against one another, and........well you get the point. The author is of the opinion that there are of course pros and cons to each family of rifle, and I refuse to engage in what is "best". As one who loves them all, especially the AK and AR series, I thought I'd pass on some of the knowledge I have gained over the years concerning these wildly different weapons. As a bonus, I'll toss in my knowledge of another favorite family of weapons at the Bunker, just because they are very popular these days and I often ramble about them. So, here, for the aid of those hammering one another in the debate, is some unbiased, non-slanted, untainted raw knowledge about the AK, the AR, and the Mosin Nagant.

Stuff you know if you have an AK.	Stuff you know if you have an AR	Stuff you know if you have a Mosin Nagant
It works though you have never cleaned it. Ever.	You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic teflon infused oil for cleaning.	It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945.
You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.	You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600m.	You can hit the farm from two counties over.
Cheap mags are fun to buy.	Cheap mags melt.	What's a mag?
Your safety can be heard 300m away.	You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.	What's a safety?
Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.	Your rifle has a 9 point stealth tactical suspension system.	Your rifle has dog collars.
Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.	Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.	Your bayonet is longer than your leg.
You can put a .30" hole through 12" of oak, if you can hit it.	You can put one hole in a paper target at 100m with 30 rounds.	You can knock down everyone else's target just from the shock wave of your bullet going downrange.
When out of ammo, your rifle will nominally pass as a club.	When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great whiffle bat.	When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.
Recoil is manageable, even fun.	What's recoil?	Recoil often used to relocate shoulders thrown out by the previous shot.
Your sight adjustment goes to '10', and you've never bothered moving it.	Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.	Your sight adjustment goes to 12 miles and you've actually tried it.
Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.	Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations most illiterate conscripts.	Your rifle has fought against itself and won every time.
Your rifle won some revolutions.	Your rifle won the cold war.	Your rifle won a pole vault event.
You paid $350.	You paid $900.	You paid $59.95.
You buy cheap ammo by the case.	You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.	You dig your ammo out of a farmer's field in Ukraine and it works just fine.
You can intimidate your foe with the bayonet mounted.	Your foes laugh when you mount your bayonet.	You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the river without leaving the comfort of your hole.
Service life, 50 years.	Service life, 40 years.	Service Life, 100 years.
Its easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.	You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.	You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54r.
You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.	You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith, it's under warranty!	If your rifle breaks, you buy a new one.
You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards to burst into flames.	You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.	You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2x4.
After a long day at the range you relax by watching "Red Dawn."	After a long day at the range you relax by watching "Blackhawk Down."	After a long day at the range you relax by visiting the chiropractor. THEN you watch "Enemy at the Gates."
After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for a stiff shot of Vodka.	After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for hotdogs and Apple Pie.	After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for shishkabob.
You can accessorize your rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.	Your rifle's accessories are eight times more valuable than your rifle.	Your rifle's accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but its buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.
Your rifle's finish is varnish and paint.	Your rifle's finish is Teflon and high tech polymers.	Your rifle's finish is low grade shellac, cosmoline and Olga's toe nails.
Your wife tolerates your autographed, framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.	Your wife tolerates your autographed, framed picture of Eugene Stoner.	You're not sure there WERE cameras to photograph Sergei Mosin.
Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout "Wolverines!"	Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.	Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the yard to sleep in.

There you have it. In the end, it is clear to any open minded inquirer that the Mosin Nagant is the most superior weapon of all time, but the AR and the AK come out as a draw when compared side by side.